What am I supposed to say?
Will anything I say makes any difference ?
Do you know how badly I wan to convince myself that I'll be fine without you by my side for 2 mths ?
How badly I want to tell myself that I can't be disappointed ?
I wanted so much to let you be happy , cause I know you will be .. I want to see you smile.. I want to see you enjoy yrself...
As much as I want that.. I want you to stay.
I want u to make me feel beautiful on my 21st. I want you to be there with me. To celebrate my new phrase of life.
Can I be selfish ? Can I be selfish like you ?
Can I tell u not to go ?
You wouldn't be happy. U will bear this grudge forever.
Im supposed to just tolerate, but do you know I will bear grudges too ? I will hate you, I will blame you for not being here for that special day of mine. And I dun wan to do that, but I know I will. It definitely will affect me.
& What am I to you.. you didn't share yr decision with me. I have to ask based on my instinct.
I want to be the first to know everything about u.. I dun care how hard it is to tell me. Dragging on increases my disappointment and pain. And u know that, so why ? I could have not felt so bad, but u just had to. Just had to keep it from me. I hate being the last to know things. U going is bad enough for me to take, and keeping it from me and agreeing to it without telling me is adding on to it.

I dunno how to face you anymore.
I'm childish.. and I can't say I love you these three words now.
It just dun wan to come out from my mouth. But I do. I just cant say it.
Cause I hate it, I hate you for leaving me behind. I hate you for always being so selfish. For never knowing how much I need you.

But u will be gone anyway.
I dun want my feelings to change.
I hooe it don't .. I hope...

C.armen

Labels: I hate these., I should have known better