Dear blog ,

I dunno what am I feeling now.
Lost. Confused. Mixed feelings.
I dunno how to face him.
I dunno how to talk to him.
I wan to be alone.
I wan to be alright.
But I can't.
I understand why he is selfish.
I understand his thoughts.
But I can't accept it.
I can't make myself not to be sad and disappointed.
Who understand me ?
Everyone understands him, everyone empathize with him.
But no one does to me.
Im always the selfish unreasonable one.
And im sick of it.
Someone tell me who can I talk to ?
Everyone says they know me, they understand me. But that is what I show them. That is what im willing to show.
What about that feeling deep inside?
Those hidden feelings of mine.
Who bothers to see them, who bothers to feel them.
I'm always the one at fault. The one that should understand.
But can I not ?
Can I not be rationale ?

Feeling really lost.

Carmen.

Labels: lost.

What am I supposed to say?
Will anything I say makes any difference ?
Do you know how badly I wan to convince myself that I'll be fine without you by my side for 2 mths ?
How badly I want to tell myself that I can't be disappointed ?
I wanted so much to let you be happy , cause I know you will be .. I want to see you smile.. I want to see you enjoy yrself...
As much as I want that.. I want you to stay.
I want u to make me feel beautiful on my 21st. I want you to be there with me. To celebrate my new phrase of life.
Can I be selfish ? Can I be selfish like you ?
Can I tell u not to go ?
You wouldn't be happy. U will bear this grudge forever.
Im supposed to just tolerate, but do you know I will bear grudges too ? I will hate you, I will blame you for not being here for that special day of mine. And I dun wan to do that, but I know I will. It definitely will affect me.
& What am I to you.. you didn't share yr decision with me. I have to ask based on my instinct.
I want to be the first to know everything about u.. I dun care how hard it is to tell me. Dragging on increases my disappointment and pain. And u know that, so why ? I could have not felt so bad, but u just had to. Just had to keep it from me. I hate being the last to know things. U going is bad enough for me to take, and keeping it from me and agreeing to it without telling me is adding on to it.

I dunno how to face you anymore.
I'm childish.. and I can't say I love you these three words now.
It just dun wan to come out from my mouth. But I do. I just cant say it.
Cause I hate it, I hate you for leaving me behind. I hate you for always being so selfish. For never knowing how much I need you.

But u will be gone anyway.
I dun want my feelings to change.
I hooe it don't .. I hope...

C.armen

Labels: I hate these., I should have known better