Yes, I'm going crazy. just going crazy thinking of you.
Yes, you are like a drug, so toxic, so dangerous, so damaging.
That.. i just can't seems to pull myself away..
Yes. Something about you is so addictive. I don't know what is it. 
Your smile? Your character? or just you? I don't know.

I know I've tried, tried to walk away from you, maybe not hard enough.
Tried to walk away from your concerns, your messages, and it is getting harder.
As much as I know how wrong this is, I want it. I want it so much so I'm losing control of myself.

I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to stay away before things happen.
But I'm not, and perhaps, part of me..want it to happen.
& I'm actually not resisting it the way I should.
What am i thinking... every brain cell in me is thinking of you. Every. Single. One.
You seems to know it. You seems to sense it.
Are you feeling the same way too? Self control?
I'm afraid, afraid I might lose it soon.
I cannot do this anymore. Tell me how to stop.
I want to see you everyday. & I mean it. Everyday.

& whats with the "喂我“ & " gaowei when you see me ?heart gao wei huh?"
What are you thinking when you said that, laughing like you enjoyed it when I turned and walked off.
Friends told me i should stay away, Well hell yes, I know I should. EASIER SAID THAN DONE!


Tell me. What to do. To kick off this drug.
It's so wrong. I'm attached. But feeling really empty with my boy.

Feeling really down recently..
Dunno what am i doing..
So it's cool off period between us..
一开始就是错误吗？一开始就不该爱上你吗？
就不能为我改那么一点点？一点都不行？
为什么呢。。　非要我爱上别人才后悔吗？
为了我，　就不能再努力一点吗？
但你应该不会后悔吧。。。反正你都看不到我们的未来。。
你的未来就只有你自己，没有我。

四年了，原以为也许能改变你的想法。。看来更坚决了。我也累了。。。

我真的乱了吗， 疯了吗？
真的不知道自己在想什么。。整颗心好沉重。重到真的几乎快不能呼吸了。
真的好累人。

一直在问自己， 是因为失望吗？
还是一种习惯， 或者我变了。但为什么总是问不出答案。
我只知道， 我很喜欢， 很享受这样的生活。也许是这一刻而已，但是我真的很厌倦。
厌倦被捆束的感觉。 我渴望我的自由， 但却又不想解脱。
被捆绑在这一切当中， 是我活该； 是我自找的。


再美的玫瑰也会凋谢， 
再美的爱情也会变质。
这世界还有什么是值得相信的。

这么多年了， 你一刻也没有为我改变过你的想法。
我算什么呢。。

不能呼吸， 不能真正的笑。

Why is it so easy for you to ask me to don't love you?

What do you take me for? what do you take my feelings for?

How fun is it to just say everything out when you are fuming and feeling fxxx up.

Don't you know how hurting those words were? 

I walked away, but not away from you.

You walked away, and left me there alone.

What exactly can you take about me?

its just a little temper you caused, and u are telling me you can't take it anymore?

How much i gave in to you and never said I can't take it anymore. 

You had your times, when you flare your temper cause of me.

Have i ever say I can't take this shit anymore? How long since i ever say those hurting words when arguing..

and you just say it right out. what are my feelings to you.. trash? 

What have i done wrong... this time i really can't take this shit anymore.

不要用我的爱来伤害我

你知道我是多脆弱

我做错了什么

你要惩罚我

如果这样你还说爱我

不要用我的爱来伤害我

你的绝情无法闪躲

如果你要解脱

撕毁的承诺

请把我从前对你的爱还给我

I always know that things happen for a reason.
But for this, I dunno why.
What have i done wrong..
I thought everything will be fine once i get through it.
I thought everything will be back to normal.
I thought i will be normal again.
But I'm only normal for less than a month.
3 weeks is all i'm given.
Its all starting to fall again.
That fear, that pain, that confusion.
I dunno how to deal with it all over again.
I can picture myself. holding and drinking down a bottle of detergent.
Dying away..
But i picture my families, my friends crying and shocked when they see me.
How can i be so selfish.
But I'm dying inside, I'm scared. I'm trembling deep inside but no one sees.
Being strong leads to deeper fear and disappointment.
I was strong for once, stronger than I could ever imagine to be.
I thought i will be fine.
But i'm not. I won't be.
Standing in the washroom, in front of the mirror.
I see my fear, I see them dropping.
I don't want to have to go through these anymore, please.



Take me away; from this cruel world.

Labels: Take me far away.. pull me away..drag me away..

It had been a very tiring week for me.
Running around between new,old office and storage space. *haiis*

However, this week was a new beginning for me.
i finally took it off and face people with my true self.
no words can describe how happy i was.
I can walk past people without feeling insecure, inferior and dying to hide from everyone.
I can meet whoever i want without feeling uncomfortable or reluctant due to it.

Dear xxxx, you are doing really well. i'm so proud of you.
Although it took you a year, i'm glad you do it well :)
i'm glad you gave me a whole new life and a whole new lesson and its meaning. 
Its cause of this, i came to know how much my family and friends mean to me.
I came to know who are my real friends around me, and who are the one who will never leave me at my lowest point. *blessed* 
Thank you for coming back to me, and letting me lead a normal life :D
I love you so much and will never abuse you or pull you ever again.
i will pamper and take very good care of you !


Okay next,

Recently Claudia has been happier and more lively.
Finally back to her old self.
Glad that she is happy now.
Can't deny that it is thanks to dick.
and i really see the changes in him too. so yup (such a bastard last time)
He really treat her damn well. Really happy for my girl :D
& can tell he is really trying very hard to blend into her life, including her friends.
Glad she found someone like that. True that no one knows what will happen, but at least now that she is happy. & i won't have to worry when I'm busy.
Thinking of how bad she look previously really makes me want to bash that bastard up.
But at least well, she is stronger now :)
Through all these, i really think i got closer to her. it was different from last time.
Really appreciate that she allows me to be there for her :')
Hope all these last, and everything will stay as perfect as it is now !



The end,
C.armen

Dear blog ,

I dunno what am I feeling now.
Lost. Confused. Mixed feelings.
I dunno how to face him.
I dunno how to talk to him.
I wan to be alone.
I wan to be alright.
But I can't.
I understand why he is selfish.
I understand his thoughts.
But I can't accept it.
I can't make myself not to be sad and disappointed.
Who understand me ?
Everyone understands him, everyone empathize with him.
But no one does to me.
Im always the selfish unreasonable one.
And im sick of it.
Someone tell me who can I talk to ?
Everyone says they know me, they understand me. But that is what I show them. That is what im willing to show.
What about that feeling deep inside?
Those hidden feelings of mine.
Who bothers to see them, who bothers to feel them.
I'm always the one at fault. The one that should understand.
But can I not ?
Can I not be rationale ?

Feeling really lost.

Carmen.

Labels: lost.